His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
