i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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