My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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