3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
