I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
