i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
