Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
