Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
