Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
