omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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