You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
