Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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