Well apparently he's into motor boating.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
