yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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