I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
