they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
