if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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