I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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