I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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