Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
