You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
