Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the day after is always just damage control
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
