I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
