We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
