mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
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I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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