Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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