i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
