All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
