Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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