yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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