I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
