My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
