I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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