EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
