I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
