last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
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now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
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He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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