I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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