i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
