My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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