Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
