New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street