Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier