If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I lost the right to judge tonight
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies