She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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