I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
