I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
