I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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