Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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