Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
