you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
