i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
