I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
