Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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