Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just invented taco cereal.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
