Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
