It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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