Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
